It was a normal day at my office: coffee in hand, dreading my workload, daydreaming of traveling…when it hit me like a fucking brick:
My ex got engaged. And he def went to Jared.
Although I knew my ex was living with his lady, I didn’t know how serious they really were. I don’t follow him on any social media channels and am completely unaware of what’s going on in his life. But that’s not to say I don’t have my spy’s…
Luckily with breakups, time does pass, wounds heal and people move on. The dust settles, the love letters and pictures get tucked away, and the sweet memories fade like the bleach in my hair. Sure, it’s been five years since we broke up. And yes I’ve dabbled in a few relationships and currently have a special person in my life. But still, the news was far from digestible.
I felt pure trauma, absolute devastation! This particular ex and I were together for roughly 8 years – a massive chunk of my life. We grew up together. He helped me get into college. He was holding me as my mother passed away. He taught me trust, humility and forgiveness. He was my first and deepest love – and likely the only person on this planet that truly understands me.
But we went our separate ways. I wanted to move away from home and experience life outside of Colorado. I wanted to live freely and on my own terms. And when it comes down to it: I was fucking afraid of commitment. I felt too young to drop everything and move in with someone. I felt I wasn’t ready to begin a life together – I didn’t know who I was yet or what I wanted out of my own life. And here I sit – 5 years later wondering what if…what If I stayed?
I told myself a long time ago to live without regrets and I try to live up to this every single day. But with that said, here are the 5 emotional stages I went thru when I found out my ex got engaged.
- Loss of Breath: I swear to god I have never lost my breath before. Before I could even process how I was feeling my feet went numb, my heart virtually stopped beating, and I was utterly shocked. I had zero words. I walked over to my friends desk at work, showed her the text I shared with you above, then went to the bathroom to cry. I legit had no words. I’m a fucking yapper – always talking. But in this very moment, I didn’t know how to breathe.
- Sheer Insecurity: It’s not like I want our relationship back. And it’s not that I dislike his fiancé – don’t even know her name. It’s that my mind takes me back to the moment when we broke up. And the wave of emotions come and I wonder how he can be so in love with someone else – when we were once in love. I felt sad, afraid for what my future relationships hold, and insecure about where I was currently at in my life.
- Starvation: That’s it. I’m never eating again. I’m gonna be the hottest version of myself. I’m gonna look amazing. I’m going to whiten my teeth! I’m going to post a sexy photo of myself! Maybe i’ll get a tan!
- Binge eat: Ok never mind! let’s get fat! Fat people are happy people. Find the nearest streat meat cart. Binge on taco bell. Hit on anyone and everyone in your path with no regrets. Repeat words of affirmation: YOUR beautiful, your smart, your funny, you WON’T die alone. Eat until you feel your gut exploding from the inside!!!!
- Unadulterated Quandary then Happiness: Should I text him? What should I text him? Should I text his mom? Fuck...
I started questioning everything – what am I doing at this desk? What am I doing with my life? Where the hell am I going??
Once the confusion and loss subsided, I ended up texting him, and we wished each other well. It felt good. It felt right. And in the end it was the closure I suppose we never really had.
It’s a weird feeling – knowing you spent 1/3 of your life with someone who will now spend forever with someone else. But it’s a reassuring feeling knowing he found someone – someone that wants exactly what he wants – and someone who was ultimately a better fit for him than I was, or will ever be. And that, my friends, reminds me that I too, am exactly where I should be.
Have you ever had an ex get engaged?? Did you experience something similar? Share your misery with me in the comments below!