Real Problems People · Uncategorized

Donald Trump is a Grade-A Douchebag

Disclaimer: This political rant is by no means exhaustive

Well folks, the primaries are upon us and 2016 is without a doubt shaping up to be one of the most interesting and admittedly entertaining presidential elections in modern history.  We saw Mike Huckabee perform  a bizarre parody to Adele’s ‘Hello’ and it was everything we  never wanted to see. Jeb Bush ever-so-gently offered kisses to any Democrats willing to cut spending. And let us not forget the 15 year old farm boy named “Deez Nuts” who was actually polling at an impressive 9% among North Carolina voters… #AMERICA!

Photo Credit: TheHill.Com
Photo Credit: TheHill.Com

Despite the many odd characters  participating in this year’s election, no one has made quite the splash like Donald Trump. A true political phenomenon, we watched as Trump transformed from a real estate typhoon & impulsive reality star into our presumptive GOP nominee. And I’m scared shitless.

Republicans far and wide are salivating over Trump, and it’s not just his misguided hairpiece making them wet. It’s the fact that he’s captured the Republican audience – perhaps because anyone  someone had to after his last standing competition bit the dust. Regardless, Trump’s campaign has been picking up a lot of momentum, changing the game of politics by fundamentally evolving legislative discourse and capitalizing on social media channels for leverage.  Time & time again he has successfully captured mass media’s attention, polarizing the public with headlines like “Trump on Mexican Immigrants: Their Rapists” and “Trump Defends Penis Size, Again!” As CBS President Les Moonves so accurately said, “Trump may not be good for America, but it’s damn good for CBS.” But his true talent lies in his ability to attack pretty much everyone – all in 140 characters or less. Just look at his fucking twitter account. Remarkably unparalleled to any other political candidate in twitter history.




A man best known for his dubious personal and professional morals, Trump’s campaign once seemed harmless, laughable and almost pathetic. Even his presidential candidacy announcement was humorous at best – boasting his wealth, claiming our country is run by “losers”, and even adding some racist nonsense about Mexico pretty much exclusively sending in drugs, crime, and rapists to our country.  But it’s just not funny anymore. Trump could potentially be the leader of the free world, a far cry from his former priorities of firing people on The Apprentice and manufacturing self-branded products like “Success” cologne so you can smell of investment bonds and racism.  But It’s not Trump’s gravity defying beige-crusted hair, or the fact he oddly resembles raw chicken breast that makes me nauseous.

Photo Credit:
Photo Credit:

My real disgust with Trump is that he has continuously attacked nearly every demographic, engaging in racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, populist ideologies combined with bullying, condescending, hostile, demeaning behaviors – and that list is not all-inclusive. He is a selfish, boasting, notoriously uncharitable billionaire who apparently shits gold for breakfast. His slogan pleads to make America great again, but resents and rejects the decency, tolerance, and humanitarianism that made us great to begin with. His viral rants and self-fulfilling arguments with news anchors, politicians, and twitter trolls alike are anything but diplomatic. He is distastefully unapologetic and his grandiose plans are supposedly bulletproof, regardless of his slew of failed business ventures worth millions of dollars including countless files for bankruptcy.

His last words as our president would be that we’re lucky he didn’t royally fuck us any harder – just like he did to the Tump Ocean Resort Baja investors. Maybe this Is why you hate Mexico, Donald. And let’s just touch on his plan for immigration reform. The first core principle states “A nation without borders is not a nation. There must be a wall across the southern border”. Basically alluding to the fact that Mexico is responsible for ALL our problems. Additionally, the American Action Forum reported Trump’s plan would cost us roughly 400-600 billion dollars, would sacrifice over 11 million jobs, and reduce the GDP by 1.6 million dollars, further hindering our already fragile economy.

But his self-obsessed, narcissistic attitude is only the tip of his contribution to the 2016 election. Back in November, Trump notoriously and obnoxiously claimed he wanted to “bomb the hell out of the Islamic state.” What he fails to share with America is how he plans to form international alliances against the Islamic state if he is aggressively trying  to ban Muslims from entering the United States in general. Sure – lets seek ties with Muslim countries once we release Trump’s bombs, but remind them they aren’t welcome in our country – makes total sense. Like many of Trump’s impulsive comments, he recently told CNN that banning Muslims was “just a suggestion.” Ok boss.

And what about his prehistoric, convoluted opinions on gay marriage? Earlier this year, Trump informed his followers that they can rest easy in their homophobic blankets at night knowing he is determined to overturn the Supreme Court’s lift on banning same-sex marriage. But why? I’ve legitimately lost all patience with people who don’t accept that the gay community should be afforded equal rights. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Why do you care?? If homosexuality is a sin and that person will be sent straight to hell then let it happen. NEAT. Who gives a shit. WHY do you care? It doesn’t impact your life in any way. And what would happen to the legality of same-sex marriages that have already occurred? Would we just go door-to-door letting all homosexuals know that their marriage is now over and they need to return the crystal stemware you got them as a  wedding gift since the marriage is no longer valid? What in the actual fuck. I take personal offense to his homophobic ideals as I have gay family members. I guarantee if Trump’s creepy ass son was gay he would let same-sex marriage slide, but that’s because I wholeheartedly think he is a hypocrite. And let us not forget this confusing and tasteless statement Trump made back in 2011: “There can be no discrimination against gays. I’m against gay marriage.” Ohhhh, yea, that adds up…

For all you Trump bandwagon fans out there, let’s dig a bit deeper and talk about the touchy subject of….his sexist, derogatory remarks towards women. I’m far from a feminist but even I’m offended by the shit that has been oozing from his permanently pursed lips. Here are a few *equally interesting as they are fucked up* examples of how the potential GOP nominee views us ladies –

1.Called a woman “disgusting” for breastfeeding – Did anyone do a background check on this douchebag to see if he ‘disgustingly’ breastfed from the golden teat of his own mother? Probably did.

2.Claimed a female reporter wouldn’t have secured her job if she wasn’t attractive – “I mean, we could say politically correct that look doesn’t matter, but the look obviously matters,” Trump said to a female reporter. “Like you wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t beautiful.” Nice.

3.Said he would probably be down to dabble in incest by fooling around with his daughter – if he wasn’t her father of course… I’m sorry, thaa fuck you just say??

4.He  unloaded on Republican Carly Fiorina’s ‘womanly’ face back in September. “Look at that face…Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!” He continued:  “I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”

5.”If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” Unfortunately this is a pretty funny analogy but misogynist none the less.

6.Both Democrats & Republicans (God forbid we actually agree on something) were enraged by Trump’s remarks regarding abortion, claiming that women who get abortions should be punished if abortions became banned in the United States. Interesting, I can almost guarantee if Trump banged out an ugly chick and knocked her up, his mission in life would be to deport that unworthy, “fat, slob, dog, pig.” Because without beauty, she is pretty much as pointless as this gate:


To offset inevitable arguments in favor of Trump, let me point out that I’m not enthusiastic about anyone currently running in this year’s presidential election. In fact, the alternative nominees were/are quite unpalatable themselves.

Short of his amusing last name, Mike Huckabee is a total dick. The self-dubbed ambassador of “Bubba-Ville” (yes, google it)  openly attacks and demeans the gay community, blames school shootings on the fact that organized religion has been ‘systematically removed’ from our education systems, and idiosyncratically consumes WAY too much “Jesus Juice”. Apparently different than the “Jesus Juice” you and I are afforded – something I can confidently agree with. He is an anti-gay bigot who believes homosexuality is a direct attack on Christians. Yea dude – I’m sure Tommy has a crush on Johnny because they want to directly offend you and your beliefs. Makes sense.  He even commended Josh Duggar for being a complete insestual pervert to his underage sisters, because obvi being a sexual predator to your own kin is better than being a homosexual. Wait, what?

Although I can definitely get behind a man who appreciates composting, who is Rand Paul? He claims libertarianism and preaches deregulation, but what does he actually mean? Deregulation of Wallstreet collapsed our economy in 2008 and is the very reason my friends and I are all broke and unappreciated in our industries, resorting to selling old Ipods and end tables to try and financially survive.  Just look at Paul’s personal and irrational meltdown against the Obama administration for holding British Petroleum accountable for the oil spill. Let’s keep in mind the UK-based oil company plead guilty to 11 felony counts of neglect, 1 count for lying to Congress, and agreed to pay over 4 billion in damages. But ok Paul, let’s just yell at the Obama administration for holding a careless and admittedly reckless private corporation responsible for their actions. Shhh…there there-it will all be alright.

Then we have Hilary Clinton. An unwavering woman who has essentially tried to become president since the invention of overalls and Y2K.  Although I respect her ambition and dedication, her flip-floppy political agenda is questionable at best and her list of scandals is longer than DMV wait times. As of March, 56% of Americans have an unfavorable view of her – for what may have occurred in Benghazi , her email debacle, and her call for suspicious Wallstreet ties, just to name a few. Another downfall to her campaign is what seems to be her target demographic: The COOL KIDS! She is just trying way way too hard to fit in and unfortunately for her, her desired market isn’t swaying just because she knows the acronym TTYL and what Dabbing is. Additionally, she wants you to know she is now officially on Snapchat. Cool kids rejoice! “You may have seen that I recently launched a Snapchat account. I love it. I love it. Those messages disappear all by themselves”, she joked alluding to her scandal involving the use of a private email server.  LOL YOU’RE SO HIP, HILARY!!




Close second to Hilary we have good old Bernie Sanders. I’m going to be honest here and say I don’t know much about the guy but that he is a democratic socialist with an unintentionally dry lack of humor that actually makes him pretty funny.  And I’m not even going to get started on that xenophobic twerp Ted Cruz, can’t trust a man who openly opposes civil rights and loathes avocados. Let’s just say this year’s lineup is as impressive as the 2008 Detroit Lions roster. 

What’s more is that political figures, analysts, and the general population alike are agreeing that whoever secures the presidential seat will be whoever America hates the least, which is just sad. But despite all of these unique players in this year’s election, Trump is the only one that actually makes me question our country and our intentions as a whole. He has created a safe space for violence, bigotry, and bullying, fueled by his fleet of cult-like followers and right-wing populist ideals. His reign on America threatens tolerance, civilized respect, stability and above all: Freedom. This is a man that enthusiastically engages in racial hatred, sexist ideologies, encourages violence, boasts cultural resentment, explicitly toys with paranoid conspiracies, and represents white ethnocentrism to its core. And somehow – I really need to emphasize SOMEHOW- this son of a bitch is presumably trumping the competition and clawing his way right to The White House. What was once considered  a combination of empty threats, fratboy theatrics,  and mildly entertaining circus-like campaigns, has become our potential disturbing reality.

If Kanye West’s self-obsessed personality and Fox News’ skewed version of reality had a racist love child, it  would be named Donald Trump. Grade-A Douchebag.

*This article was prompted & crafted May 28th, for a ghost-writer freelance project. All views are my own*




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s