Although I didn’t even watch the Oscars, I know for a fact Mad Max cleaned house. Since both Rotten Tomatoes and my brother dubbed this movie as one of the best of all time, I figured it was time to sit down, join the masses, and see why this particular film absolutely ran train at this year’s movie awards. Within the first ten minutes, I had internally generated more questions than Inception – and that was a true mind fuck. Here are 16 Thoughts I had while watching Mad Max: Fury Road:
1.What is this elf-slavery garbage? I almost turned around on the couch to face the wall and nap when all of the sudden some beastmode warlord rolls up looking like Hellraiser’s Chatterer and Bane’s love child. Immortant Joe is one ugly fuck, what are those boils on his back?? Why does his hair resemble Thor’s but if Thor aged 40 years and never washed it? My attention was once again in full swing
2. Tom Hardy looks really good, total smokeshow
3.What are these dried up seventh circle of Hell Warboys spraying all over their lips? Is this some newage teenage bullshit used to get lit off of paint fumes?? Looks like NUX just hoovered a powedered donut. On that note, why didn’t people dress up as dirty Warboy savages for Halloween? I would have
4. The mothers being milked scene was too much. Way too much.
5. What happened to Charlize Theron’s arm? Are we really never going to talk about this? Clearly in this psychotic, mutant infested world ain’t NOBODY got time fo that
6. Tom just got referred to as a ‘blood bag’ and turned into a hood ornament for one of the albino meth induced Warboys and had his face strapped into a metal mask like Hannibal Lecter and I could not be more aroused
7.Ugh oh Feminists everywhere rejoice: Immortan Joe has some slave wives (absolutely no one is going to dare touch that girls fanged-lined undergarments)
8.Wait isn’t this supposed to take place in post apocalyptic Australia? Where are all the sexy Australian accents?
9.Why doesn’t Tom just kill NUX?! He is showing the guy who just sucked the blood out of him mercy and I don’t understand
10. Who are these crusty motorcycle grannies that just came out of the woodwork?? I feel like I want to know them personally
11. I would literally sell my left leg to bone Tom Hardy
12.Again, why hasn’t Tom just killed NUX?? This bastard keeps sneaking up on everyone
13.Who is this flamethrower wielding guitarist suspended by a rig of amps and how do I sign up for this job?
14. Did Charlize seriously just use Tom as a sniper mount? Badass bitch I see you!
15.Why the hell don’t they just reroute their death rig and just go left. Or go right. Or like North West or something. Anything but just fucking straight. But I guess they would have to change the name to Fury Road(S)
16.Wait. Time out…did this movie just end and Charlize and Tom didn’t even get it on? WHAT THE FUCK GEORGE MILLER where is the romance and shirtless Tom? I definitely signed up for shirtless Tom
In conclusion, this movie has got to have one of the coolest, most brutal and intense car chases I have – or probably ever will – see . It’s packed to the brim with exceptional choreography, a flawless soundtrack, inventive weaponry and perfectly timed *quiet scenes* provided by George Miller to make sure we all don’t asphyxiate with excitement. Mad Max makes me want to go ape shit off-roading in a tricked out wrangler, gallivanting in the mud towards corruption while blasting Highway to Hell naked and rubbing grease all over my forehead.
I’m actually angry about other movies not being as good. It set a new standard, making some of the better action films I’ve seen look like childs play. Why are you still reading this? Get your ass up and go watch this movie. Tell your boss your sick. Tell your boyfriend your tired. DO WHATEVER you have to and go watch this right fucking now. I definitely want NEED to see it again, immediately, but this time in a gigantic theater alone, volume blaring with like seven mountain dews and like four stress balls to soothe me in this incredibly chaotic yet organized, homicidal-demon plagued film.